My Ex-Wife

I married a man with 3 children and an ex-wife. I naively thought my challenge would be with the children. It didn't take long to discover that the power lies with the ex. I realized that if this was going to work, I was going to have to take her on as well. This is by far the most challenging relationship I have ever, and probably will ever, have. There's a lot of good that comes from having an ex-wife; you have an instant co-mother to help with the difficult decisions and troubling conversations with the kids. She can take care of homework struggles with one child while I handle texting restrictions with another. Then we swap when one mom becomes ineffective. We can gang up on them when the power begins to shift a bit in their direction. We talk often just to touch base and relate any incidents that may have occurred, big or small, so that we can provide at least a little bit of consistency in their inconsistent worlds.

I realized pretty early on that I was going to have to set some boundaries for myself with this relationship: I never talk smack about my ex-wife, and although I don't know for certain what happens at her house, I get the feeling that she holds her tongue as well. One of the first lessons I learned as a new parent is that there is no room for ego. There are days when I feel a little bit like the jealous, unloved, evil stepmother and am tempted to say something snarky about their mom. And although it might make me feel better for a millisecond, ultimately, all I have done is criticized, out loud, the person they love more than anyone (except maybe their dad!) and how can that ever turn out good for anyone? Another rule I made was to never talk smack about my husband to my ex-wife. Tempting? Oh, of course, who else understands his quirks and weirdness on the same level? But as tempting as it is, I will always remain on his side. Which brings me to the other line I had to draw: I sometimes have to remind myself that we are not friends. I tend to get chummy quickly. I love talking to people, especially women with whom I have a lot in common, so it is only natural for there to be a level of friendship. But truly, that is not the appropriate relationship for us to have. I'm not sure that it is even very practical.

I remember being a year into my marriage and a year into my relationship with my ex-wife when I asked her for a performance evaluation. Coming from the corporate world, I was used to being reviewed on an annual basis and I wanted the same from her. I believe I even started the conversations by saying, "Well, it's been a year now, I was just wondering if you feel there are areas in which I need to improve?" I was prepared for the feedback, but all I got was an uncomfortable giggle as she told me that everything was just fine. How can I reach my goal of Best Stepmom Ever in the Entire Universe without some constructive criticism? After all, just 12 short months ago, I had been a very single girl raising two cats in my own home. Now I was a part time mother of 3 with a new husband and a new ex-wife, there had to be a learning curve.

Of course, having an ex-wife is not as glamourous as it sounds. After all, she is an ex-wife for a reason. The main reason being she dislikes my husband. A lot. So imagine, you have this person that you talk with daily about your children but she doesn't like your husband and your husband definitely doesn't like her. And while I'm grateful for that fact (since otherwise I couldn't have him!) it is hard. Also, while we agree, or at least can come to some good compromises regarding how to raise our children, we absolutely will never agree on the logistics. It just won't happen. We both want more time with the kids. This is really the only uncomfortable area in our relationship. This is when things get heated and she begins to talk with her hands and my neck gets red and splotchy. After we hold our biannual calendar discussions of summer break and Christmas vacation we generally need some space for awhile. We will go to our corners for a week or so until something comes up that requires direct conversation. Slowly things become "normal" again.

Another down side is that decisions are made via committee and my ex-wife has ultimate veto power. I believe for most parents if you think your kid needs a haircut, you just go get their hair cut. Not in this scenario. Maybe my ex-wife has a master plan for bang growth, or all-one-length-hair that I am not aware of. Most parents can register their kids for activities without committee approval. Or better yet, decide to not sign their kids up if you think everyone just needs a break from running here and there.

It's strange thing. We are a family; a big, weird, magnet family, where the strongest attraction is with whomever is the closest. Our job is to ensure that these kids are happy, secure, well cared for, and loved. At the end of the day I think they are lucky to have such a team of people working for them.