This is the time of my annual Barnes & Noble conference. It just happens to be in Orlando, which is very convenient (I'm sure it was planned around my convenience!). Anyway, that means that Hannah & I get to spend some time in the Villages with Grandma & Grandpa. But first we must make it through the flight. This is not one that I will soon forget.
We started off by arriving 2.5 hours early. Great under normal circumstances. Not so great if you have a toddler who doesn't really like to be in one spot for longer than 1.5 seconds. So I chased her and tried to interest her in the big planes by using that high, squeaky mommy voice that I promised you all I hardly ever use. We had a little snack. I tried to show her how to roll the teensy, tiny Dora the Explorer rolly backpack that I thought would be so cute. I checked her diaper every 10 minutes so that we wouldn't board with a stinky bottom. Paul called to see how we were doing and while I was momentarily distracted I looked down to find Hannah scraping a piece of chewing gum off the carpet with her teeth. I got it out of her mouth before she could swallow it, but after she ingested 3 million germs.
We finally boarded the plane. I began the flight by apologizing to everyone around for what I know will be a rough one. I resisted the urge to stand up and shout "Excuse me, may I have everyone's attention? I just want to say ahead of time how very sorry I am. Please don't eject us from this flight. Thank you for your time." It started o.k. I began to hope that I had misjudged my squirmy child, that maybe she was going to love airplanes and that I could spend the entire flight whispering in her ear things like "That cloud looks like a rabbit, look at the beautiful winding river, can you see the cars from here?" She would be captivated by the experience of it all.
But, I do know my squirmy child. I know her well. To prepare for the flight I made a "Quiet Book" months ago. It contains little velcro pockets, snaps, buttons, shoes with laces, farm animals. All hand sewn into a felt book with love. I didn't show her the book ahead of time so that it would be a huge surprise for the flight. And it was. For a good 10 minutes she was occupied with making animal sounds and snapping and opening. Then it all went to hell. In a hand basket.
She wanted down, she wanted up (repeat 3,000 times). She wanted "mamamamamamamamamamamamamama" even though I was right there. She screamed until her face was bright red and she was on the verge of hyperventilating. Really. She pooped. We changed her diaper in the smallest bathroom ever. She slammed her head against the side of plane, then again. I desperately pulled out every toy, book, and snack that I had. She screamed some more. The nice grandmother sitting next to me suddenly became silent and not so smiley. I saw mothers of very well behaved children smirking to each other.
Then God answered my desperate plea. Hannah fell asleep. It wasn't a peaceful sleep, it was one of those hiccupy sleeps. But I'll take what I can get and be happy about it! Then Southwest Airlines answered my other desperate plea and the flight attendant came with a Bloody Mary. I didn't ask for one, I don't really like Bloody Marys. But I have to say this one was DELIGHTFUL!!
We exited the plane and once again I apologized to everyone in the vicinity. And you know what? They were all so very nice and understanding and didn't seem to mind one bit. By the time we got to Grandma at baggage claim my devil child had transformed herself into the sweet, angelic baby that she is!
We will be flying home on Saturday morning. If you plan on being in the air I suggest you reschedule.
